Maxim Magazine: David Duchovny
The X-Files star opens up about porn, etiquette, alien babies, and belch backwash. Oooh, spooky.
March 2000 When is it most obvious to you that aliens live among us? Anytime you try to book an airline ticket or, for that matter, deal with any employee of an airline. Did that Bree Sharp song "David Duchovny" freak you out? I thought it was funny. Can you sing it for us? (sings) "David Duchovny, why won't you love me?"...then she says something about my nose. Here's a song saying wonderful things about me and then it says I have a Jewish nose. Just goes to show what you remember. What did your wife, Téa Leoni, think of it? First she said, " I wish I'd written you that song." And then she goes, "I wish somebody would write a song about me." So we wrote "Téa Leoni, Why Don't You Blow Me?" together. It's a beautiful tune. You're new parents: How do babies remind you of aliens? Well, you can see their hearts beating in their skulls, like those telepathic aliens you see on Star Trek. It's kind of terrifying, because you realize that little melon is very soft. Speaking of heart, in your new movie, Return to Me , you fall in love with Minnie Driver after she receives a heart transplant from your dead wife. Did some chick-flick supercomputer spit out that plot? Yeah, it may have. I like schmaltzy movies, but I hate schmaltzy movies as Hollywood makes them because they're so condescending. This one doesn't have that Movie of the Week sensibility. My favorite line is when, before the transplant, a character tells Minnie, "You're gonna date all these great guys." And Minnie says, "I'm getting a new heart, not a new ass." So the humor in it is more masculine then you'd expect from a chick flick. What transplant do you want? Legs from somebody who can jump really well. You're a big sports fan. If you could changes something about pro sports, what would it be? Besides being the 12th man on the Knicks, I guess I would stop all the stupid celebrating. In football you see guys doing the chicken dance after their first sack of the year-in the 10th game. I'm, like, "How the fuck do you get off? You're getting paid all this money, and you get one sack and you're going to celebrate?" What was your own greatest thrill of victory? There was one particular moment when I made a pass to win a high school basketball game. It was kind of mystical, like there was somebody tapping me on the shoulder and saying "Look in this direction." It seemed like things unfolded in slow motion and it all happened so perfectly. I'll always remember that slow motion feel. We've heard a lot about you graduating from Princeton and studying for your Ph.D. at Yale. But what's the dumbest thing you've ever done, Einstein? I'm really dumb mechanically. On one of my first dates with my wife, we got a flat tire. I got the tire out of the trunk, but she's actually really mechanical, so I kind of followed her lead. Like, you know, she would do something then I would rush in and do it, too. Everything was fine, but a few days later, she asks, "Have you seen my golf clubs?" I went, "Oh, fuck, yeah, they were on the side of the road when we changed the tire. Sorry." Have you ever used your brain power to invent anything? My big invention idea was the vomint. Say what? The vomint. Like when you belch and get a little throw-up? You need a mint for that, and I just decided vomint was a catchy word. Our world is so over compartmentalized, I think we need a mint for that specific case. Can you spot an X-Files geek headed your way? You actually never know. The best thing that happened recently was this middle-aged guy with his wife who got on an elevator with me at 6 a.m. I could tell he recognized me; then he said, "Good Morning, Doctor." I said, "What?" And he goes, "I love your show- ER ." And I said, "Wrong show, idiot." I didn't mean to, but I just did, then realized he must've thought I was Noah Wyle. I'm going to tell that story on The Tonight Show, too, so don't think I'm an asshole for telling it again. Agent Mulder is a porn aficionado. Has this ever been a good excuse for research? Um, no. If I want to watch pornography, I don't need to make an excuse. No embarrassing rental stories? Before I was well known, I would've been just another lonely guy in the back section of the video store. (Laughs) Making those rounds. It takes about 50 times around that one aisle before you pick that special video... And you can't stand too close to another guy who's looking... I would like to do a study of conceptions of space between men in pornography aisles. It's triple what is normal if you're just standing in line at a theater. You're 65 and we find you speaking at an X-Files convention. What do we have the right to come up and say to you? Don't talk to me; just shoot me from a distance. And get the laser dot on my head, 'cause I want to go quickly. Courtesy of Maxim Magazine . Transcribed by Gertie .
When is it most obvious to you that aliens live among us? Anytime you try to book an airline ticket or, for that matter, deal with any employee of an airline. Did that Bree Sharp song "David Duchovny" freak you out? I thought it was funny. Can you sing it for us? (sings) "David Duchovny, why won't you love me?"...then she says something about my nose. Here's a song saying wonderful things about me and then it says I have a Jewish nose. Just goes to show what you remember. What did your wife, Téa Leoni, think of it? First she said, " I wish I'd written you that song." And then she goes, "I wish somebody would write a song about me." So we wrote "Téa Leoni, Why Don't You Blow Me?" together. It's a beautiful tune. You're new parents: How do babies remind you of aliens? Well, you can see their hearts beating in their skulls, like those telepathic aliens you see on Star Trek. It's kind of terrifying, because you realize that little melon is very soft. Speaking of heart, in your new movie, Return to Me , you fall in love with Minnie Driver after she receives a heart transplant from your dead wife. Did some chick-flick supercomputer spit out that plot? Yeah, it may have. I like schmaltzy movies, but I hate schmaltzy movies as Hollywood makes them because they're so condescending. This one doesn't have that Movie of the Week sensibility. My favorite line is when, before the transplant, a character tells Minnie, "You're gonna date all these great guys." And Minnie says, "I'm getting a new heart, not a new ass." So the humor in it is more masculine then you'd expect from a chick flick. What transplant do you want? Legs from somebody who can jump really well. You're a big sports fan. If you could changes something about pro sports, what would it be? Besides being the 12th man on the Knicks, I guess I would stop all the stupid celebrating. In football you see guys doing the chicken dance after their first sack of the year-in the 10th game. I'm, like, "How the fuck do you get off? You're getting paid all this money, and you get one sack and you're going to celebrate?" What was your own greatest thrill of victory? There was one particular moment when I made a pass to win a high school basketball game. It was kind of mystical, like there was somebody tapping me on the shoulder and saying "Look in this direction." It seemed like things unfolded in slow motion and it all happened so perfectly. I'll always remember that slow motion feel. We've heard a lot about you graduating from Princeton and studying for your Ph.D. at Yale. But what's the dumbest thing you've ever done, Einstein? I'm really dumb mechanically. On one of my first dates with my wife, we got a flat tire. I got the tire out of the trunk, but she's actually really mechanical, so I kind of followed her lead. Like, you know, she would do something then I would rush in and do it, too. Everything was fine, but a few days later, she asks, "Have you seen my golf clubs?" I went, "Oh, fuck, yeah, they were on the side of the road when we changed the tire. Sorry." Have you ever used your brain power to invent anything? My big invention idea was the vomint. Say what? The vomint. Like when you belch and get a little throw-up? You need a mint for that, and I just decided vomint was a catchy word. Our world is so over compartmentalized, I think we need a mint for that specific case. Can you spot an X-Files geek headed your way? You actually never know. The best thing that happened recently was this middle-aged guy with his wife who got on an elevator with me at 6 a.m. I could tell he recognized me; then he said, "Good Morning, Doctor." I said, "What?" And he goes, "I love your show- ER ." And I said, "Wrong show, idiot." I didn't mean to, but I just did, then realized he must've thought I was Noah Wyle. I'm going to tell that story on The Tonight Show, too, so don't think I'm an asshole for telling it again. Agent Mulder is a porn aficionado. Has this ever been a good excuse for research? Um, no. If I want to watch pornography, I don't need to make an excuse. No embarrassing rental stories? Before I was well known, I would've been just another lonely guy in the back section of the video store. (Laughs) Making those rounds. It takes about 50 times around that one aisle before you pick that special video... And you can't stand too close to another guy who's looking... I would like to do a study of conceptions of space between men in pornography aisles. It's triple what is normal if you're just standing in line at a theater. You're 65 and we find you speaking at an X-Files convention. What do we have the right to come up and say to you? Don't talk to me; just shoot me from a distance. And get the laser dot on my head, 'cause I want to go quickly. Courtesy of Maxim Magazine . Transcribed by Gertie .
Anytime you try to book an airline ticket or, for that matter, deal with any employee of an airline.
(sings) "David Duchovny, why won't you love me?"...then she says something about my nose. Here's a song saying wonderful things about me and then it says I have a Jewish nose. Just goes to show what you remember.
First she said, " I wish I'd written you that song." And then she goes, "I wish somebody would write a song about me." So we wrote "Téa Leoni, Why Don't You Blow Me?" together. It's a beautiful tune.
Well, you can see their hearts beating in their skulls, like those telepathic aliens you see on Star Trek. It's kind of terrifying, because you realize that little melon is very soft.
, you fall in love with Minnie Driver after she receives a heart transplant from your dead wife. Did some chick-flick supercomputer spit out that plot?
Yeah, it may have. I like schmaltzy movies, but I hate schmaltzy movies as Hollywood makes them because they're so condescending. This one doesn't have that Movie of the Week sensibility. My favorite line is when, before the transplant, a character tells Minnie, "You're gonna date all these great guys." And Minnie says, "I'm getting a new heart, not a new ass." So the humor in it is more masculine then you'd expect from a chick flick.
You're a big sports fan. If you could changes something about pro sports, what would it be?
Besides being the 12th man on the Knicks, I guess I would stop all the stupid celebrating. In football you see guys doing the chicken dance after their first sack of the year-in the 10th game. I'm, like, "How the fuck do you get off? You're getting paid all this money, and you get one sack and you're going to celebrate?"
There was one particular moment when I made a pass to win a high school basketball game. It was kind of mystical, like there was somebody tapping me on the shoulder and saying "Look in this direction." It seemed like things unfolded in slow motion and it all happened so perfectly. I'll always remember that slow motion feel.
We've heard a lot about you graduating from Princeton and studying for your Ph.D. at Yale. But what's the dumbest thing you've ever done, Einstein?
I'm really dumb mechanically. On one of my first dates with my wife, we got a flat tire. I got the tire out of the trunk, but she's actually really mechanical, so I kind of followed her lead. Like, you know, she would do something then I would rush in and do it, too. Everything was fine, but a few days later, she asks, "Have you seen my golf clubs?" I went, "Oh, fuck, yeah, they were on the side of the road when we changed the tire. Sorry."
The vomint. Like when you belch and get a little throw-up? You need a mint for that, and I just decided vomint was a catchy word. Our world is so over compartmentalized, I think we need a mint for that specific case.
You actually never know. The best thing that happened recently was this middle-aged guy with his wife who got on an elevator with me at 6 a.m. I could tell he recognized me; then he said, "Good Morning, Doctor." I said, "What?" And he goes, "I love your show-
." And I said, "Wrong show, idiot." I didn't mean to, but I just did, then realized he must've thought I was Noah Wyle. I'm going to tell that story on The Tonight Show, too, so don't think I'm an asshole for telling it again.
Agent Mulder is a porn aficionado. Has this ever been a good excuse for research?
Um, no. If I want to watch pornography, I don't need to make an excuse.
Before I was well known, I would've been just another lonely guy in the back section of the video store. (Laughs) Making those rounds. It takes about 50 times around that one aisle before you pick that special video...
And you can't stand too close to another guy who's looking...
I would like to do a study of conceptions of space between men in pornography aisles. It's triple what is normal if you're just standing in line at a theater.
You're 65 and we find you speaking at an X-Files convention. What do we have the right to come up and say to you?
Don't talk to me; just shoot me from a distance. And get the laser dot on my head, 'cause I want to go quickly.